


Walking in My Shoes

by TeekiJane



Series: The Boys of Summer [22]
Category: Baby-Sitters Club - Ann M. Martin
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-02
Updated: 2013-12-02
Packaged: 2018-01-03 07:37:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1067797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeekiJane/pseuds/TeekiJane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s always good to find that one person who truly understands what you’re going through.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Walking in My Shoes

_Now I’m not looking for absolution_  
_Forgiveness for the things I do_  
_But before you come to any conclusions_  
_Try walking in my shoes_  
Depeche Mode, Walking in my Shoes

**Tiffany**

I had spent most of Tuesday afternoon looking out the window, watching the “traffic” on McLelland. I was thinking about my life and how badly I’d screwed it up. 

Adam had called me Monday night, asking how I was feeling and if I’d made any decisions. I don’t think he was getting it. This was big. It wasn’t just my life I was deciding for—it was mine and his and our _baby’s_. How could I make a choice like that all by myself…and so quickly? 

I’d never thought much about my future. I’ve never really had a job—when I was in high school, I worked for part of a summer at a boutique but hated it and ended up getting fired. I have no idea what I want to do “when I grow up” the way Adam does. He wants to get a master’s degree and run his own business. Shannon’s going to be an actuary, whatever the hell that is. Even Maria knows she wants to go to medical school and work with old people. I have no goals, no ambitions. It makes me sound pretty pathetic. I’ve always had enough trouble with the present that the future hasn’t been too much on my mind. 

On the same lines, I’ve never stopped to think about having a family. I can’t picture myself as somebody’s mom, and not just because I’m only nineteen, but that doesn’t mean I never want kids. I know a lot of girls who think about finding themselves a husband and popping out a kid or two, but I’m not one of them. I’ve never bought a magazine and looked at wedding dresses and engagement rings the way my friends from high school used to do. 

Here’s what I did know that Tuesday as I was looking out the window. I didn’t want to disrupt Adam from his goals, his carefully planned future. He’d been nothing but great to me this summer. Without him, I don’t know what I would have done. Because he was such a stand-up guy, I knew he would do his part if I decided to keep the baby. Not only would he provide money and support, but he would be an active dad. But I knew that the only way he’d be able to do that was if he was able to finish his degree. 

I was debating whether I wanted to keep the baby, same as the last four hours, when an SUV pulled up at one of the houses across the street. I watched a woman step out of the car without really paying attention. She disappeared into the house and came back out a few minutes later with a small girl with strawberry blonde hair. I didn’t recognize the woman at first, but I did recognize that little girl. I had seen her a couple weeks ago, at Adam’s place. Her mother was a friend of my sister’s, and she’d been at the Fourth of July party. 

Without even thinking, I jumped up from the window and ran down the stairs. Kristy Thomas was still struggling to get her daughter into her car seat as I walked up her parents’ driveway. Harper, who is three, was crying a high pitched wail and wiggling around in her seat. “I don’t wanna go home!” she shrieked. “I wanna stay with Nannie!” 

Kristy was patiently ignoring the protests and trying hard to wrap the seat belt around Harper, who kept moving her arms out of the way of the straps. “ _This_ ,” she said with a sigh, “is why you need to take a nap, every day.” 

I waited until she finally got Harper belted and then stopped her before she got into the car. “Kristy?” I said tentatively. 

She turned around, looking weary. “Tiffany, hi. How are you?” Without waiting for a reply, she slung a diaper bag in the seat next to Harper’s car seat. 

I shook my head. “I’m not doing so great. Can I talk to you for a moment?” 

She caught my tone of voice and turned around, really taking a look at me this time. “Sure. What’s the matter?” 

I almost lost my nerve, but I decided I needed to solder on. After all, who else did I know who had been in the same place I was right now? “What’s it like being a single mom?” I asked, looking at Harper, rubbing her eyes and looking pouty in her car seat, rather than at Kristy. 

Kristy raised her eyebrow. “It’s rough,” she began. “Being a mom is hard in general. You’ve got this little person who depends on you for _everything_ , and sometimes, you don’t know what she needs at that moment, or whether or not to give her what she wants. There’s no manual explaining how to raise a child to be good and patient and loving and strong and all the other things you want her to be.” She sat down on the edge of the SUV—not on the seat, but on the floor next to her bag. “And it’s harder when you’re doing it alone. When Harper’s dad is in town—which isn’t as often as either one of us would like—I can hand her off to him if she’s on my last nerve. But when he’s not here, there are plenty of days I want to throw as big a tantrum as she’s throwing.” 

I nodded glumly, not liking the sound of any of that. “Of course, raising a kid is also rewarding. You get the satisfaction of making another person perfectly happy sometimes. You also get kisses and hugs and hearing someone say ‘mama’ and ‘I love you,’ for the first time. You get to watch her bloom from a baby to a toddler to a little person, with her own personality and way of thinking.” Kristy stood up and pulled a rag doll out of the diaper bag and handed it to Harper, who had finished crying. The little girl pulled it up to her face and put a thumb in her mouth. “What brings this up with you?” she asked me. 

I shrugged, not wanting to tell her the truth. “Just wondering,” I mumbled vaguely. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. I looked away from Kristy again. Harper had closed her eyes and looked like she’d be asleep before the car even got started. 

Kristy startled my attention away from her daughter. “Oh, Tiffany,” she said, sounding more sympathetic than I’d ever heard her. “You’re not pregnant, are you?” I didn’t answer but I wiped a tear out of my eye. That was all the response Kristy needed. She sat back down on the edge of the car and tugged at her scrubs. “You’re dating Adam Pike, aren’t you? What did he say?” 

I looked down at the ground and put one hand to my stomach, touching it gently. “He said he’d support me, no matter what.” Kristy nodded. “But I worry that having this baby will keep him from doing what he wants to do with his life.” 

Kristy nodded a second time. “Well, Harper’s dad and I worried about that, too. We both had big dreams. I was planning to open a non-profit organization someday, and he is a genius at computer graphics. When we decided to keep Harper and raise her, we had to make some choices. I scrapped my plans to go away to university and got a two year degree. I don’t _love_ being an x-ray tech, but until he finishes his degree at the end of this school year, I’ll make do.” She looked over and smiled as she realized Harper was asleep. “After he gets a job and is secure, we plan to get married and then I’ll be able to go back to school.” 

“What made you decide to keep her?” 

Kristy shook her head. “I can’t really explain that. For a couple months, we were intent upon giving her up for adoption. Then one day, I woke up and decided I couldn’t do that. I didn’t care if it was selfish.” She looked at me seriously. “It helped me a lot that my mom stood behind me, and that Harper’s dad actually wanted to be with me and be a dad.” 

I leaned my butt against the car bumper. “I know Adam said he’ll stand by me, but I don’t think he’s thrilled about the idea of me going through with this pregnancy. He’s said before he’s not really sure he ever wants to be a dad.” 

Kristy sighed, shaking her head in sympathy. “No eighteen year old guy really wants to be a dad or has any clue what being a dad even means.” She dug around in the pocket of her scrubs and produced a pen and notepad. She opened the pad up and scribbled on one page. “Let me tell you a secret, Tiffany. This is something not many people know. Your sister doesn’t know this, for example. Okay?” I nodded. “When Harper was conceived, her father and I were not a couple. I went to a party and had a little too much to drink. I lost my virginity to the first guy who hit on me…and ended up pregnant.” I raised my eyebrows. “Now, I got very, very lucky. He had hit on me because he’d had a thing for me for a long time, and he slept with me because he cared, not because he was drunk and horny. He vowed to stand by me and we decided to tell everyone we had been secretly in a relationship. By the time she was born, we really were together, and we’ve been together for more than three years now.” She stood up and brushed off her ass, the notepad still in her hand. “Do you feel like that’s something you could say about Adam?” 

I thought about that. “I just don’t know. I know that if he had a child, he’d be involved in his kid’s life. But I’m not sure about anything beyond that.” 

Kristy smiled gently. “I know things seem impossible right now for you. But you’ll make a decision that’s right for you. I’m confident of that.” She looked down at the notepad and tore off the piece she’d written on. “I have to get Harper home and make her some dinner. But if you need anything else, call me. I’d be glad to listen and give an opinion on anything.” 

I looked at the paper. “Thanks,” I said, feeling just as confused as when I had walked over to her house. 

“Any time. Good luck.” 

***

I went back to my bedroom window and sat there for a few more hours. Maria came home on her bike, and then Mother came home a short time later. The two of them left again within half an hour. Mother had come to the door and told me where they were going, but I hadn’t really listened. 

I finally moved away when I realized how hungry I was. I was digging through the fridge when Shannon came home. She didn’t stop in to say hello before she went upstairs. I made a sandwich that didn’t make me feel sick—I hadn’t thrown up yet, but all kinds of foods were making me come very close. 

Just as I was finishing, Shannon came in to look for her own dinner. I hadn’t seen her in days, because she’d spent the weekend at her boyfriend’s place in Long Island. “Hey, Tiff, where’s Mom?” 

I shrugged at her. “I don’t know. She and Maria went out somewhere.” I was still hungry and suddenly, orange juice sounded especially good. I dropped my plate in the dishwasher and went to look through the fridge again.

Shannon stood behind me as I dug in the refrigerator. “Hand me those carrot sticks,” she requested. I passed them over my shoulder. “Anything interesting going on in your life?” she asked me.

I didn’t turn back from the fridge as I dug even further back, to the very back. “Nope,” I said, not really wanting to get into a conversation with Shannon. 

My sister did not seem to notice that I wasn’t really paying attention to her. “Adam and I went to a concert in the park on Saturday, and then on Sunday his parents took us out to dinner,” she said. “What did you and your Adam do this weekend?” 

I barely listened to her. There was no orange juice anywhere in the fridge. I could have _sworn_ I’d seen some earlier that day. All of my stress over everything came pouring out over one little, non-issue. I burst into tears. 

Shannon looked shocked. “What’s wrong?” 

“We’re all out of orange juice.” 

“Orange juice? You’re sobbing out of control, and you tell me it’s about orange juice? What the hell is going on with you?” Shannon came over and stood beside me, putting her hand on my back. 

I didn’t want to tell her, Miss Perfect, the queen of everything and the apple of my parents’ eyes. But I remembered two things. First was the fact that Shannon herself had bought the pregnancy tests that I’d taken and had presumably taken the missing one herself. Second was something Adam had said when we’d first gotten back together—when we’d gone out for a cup of coffee. He’d told me that he thought that if I took the time to talk to my sisters, they’d take the time to listen. I hadn’t believed him at the time. But I’ve learned he knows what he’s talking about most of the time. And I know that he’d basically had to make the time to talk to Byron when the two of them had been at odds, and it had worked out well. They were closer than ever. 

I looked at Shannon. We look a lot alike. I’m a little taller than she is, and she dresses way more preppy and professional than I do. But anyone could tell we’re sisters. We’ve just never been close the way some sisters are. We don’t tell each other everything the way Adam does with Jordan, and we don’t go out of our way to spend time with each other. But that didn’t mean she couldn’t be helpful at a time like this. And who else did I have to talk to? 

I shut the fridge and turned to her. “I’m pregnant,” I told her, not quite believing I’d said it out loud. 

Shannon took a step back. “Wow,” she said. She turned away for a moment, and at first I thought she was going to walk away. Instead she sat down in a chair with her carrot sticks and patted the seat next to her. I sat down gingerly, not sure how this was going to go. “How far along are you?” she asked. 

“I think I got pregnant on the fourth.” 

She looked a little surprised but said nothing about that. “That was about two and a half weeks ago. I’m guessing you had your period about two weeks before that?” I shrugged at her. I’d have to go upstairs and look at my calendar. Even with the pill, my periods are iffy at best. Half the time I get nothing but spotting anyway. But that sounded about right. “That means you’re about four and a half weeks. Still pretty early on.” 

Leave it to Shannon to deal with numbers instead of emotions. “Yeah.” 

She ate a carrot stick silently for a second, then reached out and gave my arm a squeeze. I was surprised, because that kind of gesture is uncharacteristic of our family and now she’d touched me like that twice. “You know, when I was a little younger than you—shortly before I turned nineteen—I thought I was pregnant. I was more than a week late. I took a test and it came up negative, and then my period showed up two days later.” 

“I know,” I said, thinking about the box of tests hidden under the sink. 

“You know?” 

“Well, I didn’t know all of that. I guessed. I actually took the rests of the tests in the pack you bought.” 

Shannon relaxed a little. “I was in a really bad place at the time. I had gotten into a short relationship. We’d slept together a handful of times before I realized he had problems I just didn’t want to deal with. Like dealing drugs type of problems.” I raised my eyebrows. Shannon didn’t normally associate with drug dealers. “I was really lucky to turn up not to be pregnant, so I’ve been extra careful ever since.” 

I winced. “I know, I know, I’m an idiot,” I said, feeling like she was jumping down my throat for making a mistake. 

She was chagrined. “Tiff, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to phrase it that way. You’re not an idiot, and anyway, if you were an idiot for putting yourself in a position where you could get pregnant, then so am I.” I looked at her and she smiled a little bit. “Who else have you told?” she asked. 

“Adam, of course. And his brother’s girlfriend, Haley. The one who used to hate me?” Shannon looked confused for a moment, but I saw something click into place and she nodded. “And earlier today, I had a talk with your friend Kristy.” 

Shannon bit her lip, and I couldn’t read her expression. “That was smart,” she said after a minute. “Kristy really surprised us all when she turned up pregnant. She was the last person you’d expect that out of—not only did she have her whole life planned down to the hour, but she also never dated. She’s still a go-getter. She works hard and, as you can see, she’s a great mom.” 

I thought about that. “Even though she says it’s really hard and she spends most of her day completely out of control.” 

Shannon nodded. “She makes the difficult look easy.” 

I grabbed a carrot stick and popped it in my mouth, not because I wanted one, but because it gave me an excuse not to talk for a moment. I wasn’t exactly a go-getter like Kristy. Hell, I was about as far from that as you could get. It’s hard for me to get motivated and excited about my future. I’ve just never seen the point. If I had and kept the baby, would I be as good a mom as Kristy was? I would be in the same position she was—would my mom help support me until I found a job? Could I handle working and being a mom all the same time? Somehow, I didn’t think I could deal with all that. 

Shannon had gone back to the fridge and pulled out some cottage cheese. “Want some?” she asked. I looked at the lumpy food and shook my head violently. She took a good look at my face and retracted the food so I couldn’t see it. “Oh, sorry, Tiffany.” 

I turned away. “That’s okay,” I said, not really meaning it. This was actually the best conversation I’d had with Shannon in years. I wasn’t about to ruin that because I was not in the mood to look at her dinner. “Tell me something, Shannon. If you had actually been pregnant when you thought you were back in those days, what would you have done?” 

She took a deep breath. “That’s a good question. I’ll be honest with you: I never got that far in my thinking.” Shannon looked away from the conversation, out the window in the kitchen for a moment. “I probably wouldn’t have kept the baby. I don’t know how that would have worked out, but I just don’t think I could have been a good parent and finish school.” She had emptied her bowl while she was thinking. “Tiff, don’t let that impact your decision in any way. I’ve heard many times over that you don’t know what you’re capable of until you’re in that position. If you decide to keep the baby,” she said seriously, “you’ll probably find a strength you didn’t know you had.” 

I wasn’t so sure of that. Shannon excused herself to take a long, hot bubble bath and I sat alone in the kitchen. I was thinking again. Both Kristy and Shannon had given me some good advice, whether they knew it or not. I pulled my cell phone out of my back pocket and pulled up Adam’s entry. His sister Claire answered the phone. “I think he just came in,” she said. “Hang on a minute.” 

Adam came to the phone and he sounded hoarse and anxious. “Tiffany,” he said quietly, “Hi. What’s going on?” 

I couldn’t believe I was going to say the words I was about to say. “I decided. I’m going to make an appointment to get an abortion.”


End file.
